Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
You Might Also Like
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
