@Browtweaten

[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash

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@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@andytwined

I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@Wine_Honey1

Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

@Marcmywords2

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@TattedChanel

‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down