Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]
My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash
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I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down