i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?