Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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even bears disappoint their mothers
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’m not sorry.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
step 6: release the wall snake
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*