Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Ken is short for chicken
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”