Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Carpe DM
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.