Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.