Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Mhm.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
the saddest jazz hands ever
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.