Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope