Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

ㅤ

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.