Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
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Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again