Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.