Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…ππ€£πππ
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM π
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
Thatβs just how Julius Caesar.
βDonβt stop, donβt stop! Oh god, PLEASE DONβT STOP.β β me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT IβM AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Iβm sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I just asked my boyfriend does he think Iβm loud. His response βWell itβs very easy to hear youβ¦β
???????????????????????
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Friend: Man, itβs hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I donβt have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone elseβs vodka?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: Thatβs weird I swear that I didnβt hear her broomstick!
I donβt always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do itβs while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.