Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.