Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
You Might Also Like
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume