Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.