Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Dune (2021)

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Incredible customer service.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

🏠

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”