Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.