Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

When you have to use a public restroom.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.