Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies