Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Breaking news:
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If my kids invented a drink.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened