Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
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Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Jail
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.