Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
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Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
wishing you and yours all the best
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence