Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

love it when they get my name right

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

I love twitter

When you have to use a public restroom.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.