Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Every time my phone rings

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life