Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
You Might Also Like
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.