Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”