[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Breakfast in bed.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*updates tinder bio*
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.