“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.