Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.