Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

checking out some reviews of my local library

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.