*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
May have had one breakfast too many
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.