Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
You Might Also Like
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car