Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*jingles half the way*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
why am I working on Labor Day
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*