Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
