@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

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@edana_irish

Why girls want to be mermaids
1. No pants
2. No periods
3. Perfect hair
4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra

@3sunzzz

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

@offbeatoliv

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

@WickedCynic

If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.

@MommaUnfiltered

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

@LittleVodkaOwl

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

@Huber138

Me: Would you like to be a model?
Her: yes
Me: are you comfortable with nudity?
Her: Sure
Me:

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.