Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

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Why girls want to be mermaids
1. No pants
2. No periods
3. Perfect hair
4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.


Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.


If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.


I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.


You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.


5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.


Me: Would you like to be a model?
Her: yes
Me: are you comfortable with nudity?
Her: Sure


“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.