Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
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Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from