i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?
ME: I’m very self-lubricated
INT: You mean self-motivated?
ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.