@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

You Might Also Like

@kelllicopter

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

@LilyRoseLynn

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

@3sunzzz

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

@pixelatedboat

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?

ME: I’m very self-lubricated

INT: You mean self-motivated?

ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo

@BoredomDidIt

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

@TheMichaelRock

I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.