Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?