*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?