Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”