*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
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When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break