Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break