Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Meeeee too!

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.