Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

Before & after 😅

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.