Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think