Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
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I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
i choose….tongue
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I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: