Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.