Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.