Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.