Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
WHO DID THIS?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.