“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*