Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.