Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
You Might Also Like
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.