QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Stonehinge
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him