@neiltyson

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

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@Social_Mime

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@metickleu

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

@LostFelicia

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

@1Happytwit

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

@yoyoha

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

@mattZillaaaa

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell