Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.