Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh