Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
three things we don’t talk about
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
the rocks need my help
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.