Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
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a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
no cat here
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.