Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.