Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes