Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
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bad
worse
worst
worchester
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.