Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted