QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
What a year we’ve had this week.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!