Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

remember

only for emergencies

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Yup.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.