QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.