Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
and now we wait
beware of dog
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me