Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.