Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
