Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.