Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Free him
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire