Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
this is the best day of my life
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.